What is grooming

Grooming is the gradual building of a trusting relationship with a child for the purpose of emotional, psychological or sexualized exploitation.

Most often, the adult at first seems safe and “special” to the child. He can:

• take an active interest in the child’s life;
• support in difficult moments;
• give compliments;
• give gifts;
• create a feeling of closeness and understanding.

This can make it difficult for a child to recognize danger. From the outside, such communication may also look like ordinary friendship or care.

The main feature of grooming is the gradual violation of personal boundaries. The child is slowly taught to secrets, emotional dependence and the idea that this is the adult who understands him best.

Signs of grooming

It is important to pay attention not only to correspondence or telephone, but also to changes in the child’s behavior.

Alarm signals may be:

• secrecy when communicating on the Internet;
• anxiety after correspondence or calls;
• sudden separation from family;
• emotional dependence on a new acquaintance;
• requests “not to tell anyone”;
• gifts or money without a clear explanation;
• feelings of guilt, shame or increased anxiety in the child.

It is important to understand: one sign in itself does not always indicate grooming. But the combination of several factors becomes a reason to carefully and calmly understand the situation.

How to explain to a child what grooming is

The conversation about safety should not be based on fear or intimidation. It is much more important to create a feeling in your child that he can tell you about any situation and will not face punishment or shame.

It is important to explain to the child:

• even a kind and pleasant adult has no right to violate his boundaries;
• a safe relationship does not require secrets from parents;
• he may refuse to communicate if he feels discomfort;
• in any incomprehensible situation, you can turn to a close adult for help.

It is useful to regularly pronounce the following phrases:

• “You can tell me everything”;
• “I won’t scold you”;
• “Your safety is more important than other people’s feelings”;
• “If something seems strange, it’s best to discuss it with an adult.”

It is trust, and not control, that most often becomes the main protection for a child.

What to do if grooming already occurs in a child’s life

The most important thing: do not blame the child. Even if the parent is scared, in pain, or wants to find out everything immediately, an aggressive reaction can only increase the feeling of guilt and make the child close down.

Children who have experienced grooming often do not fully understand that they have become an object of manipulation. They may simultaneously experience:

• attachment;
• fear;
• shame;
• confusion;
• anxiety about possible loss of contact.

Therefore, the child first of all needs calm support and a feeling of security.

What is important for parents to do:

• make it clear that the child is not to blame;
• limit contact with people;
• preserve correspondence and evidence;
• do not force the child to immediately tell everything in detail;
• seek professional help.

Even if the situation has not gone far, the very experience of violating boundaries can leave consequences: anxiety, trust issues, emotional instability and feelings of guilt.

Specialist help

After such situations, it is often difficult for children to feel safe again, trust adults and understand their own boundaries. Working with a coach helps the child gradually regain a sense of support, reduce anxiety and safely live through the experience.
It is important for a child to learn to separate his needs from other people, identify manipulation and build boundaries.

At Animago, coachs and coaches working in the CBT approach help children and adolescents:

• cope with the consequences of emotional pressure;
• work with anxiety;
• build personal boundaries;
• develop safe communication skills.

You can go through a check-up with us to better understand the emotional state of the child and notice possible difficulties in time.

Book a check-up

Frequently Asked Questions

Can grooming happen not only on the Internet?

Yes. Although today grooming often begins online, it can also happen offline through familiar adults, trainers, teachers, or people in the family’s close circle.

Why don’t children talk about such situations right away?

Most often due to fear, shame or emotional attachment to the person. Many children are afraid of punishment or think that they themselves have done something wrong.

How to reduce the risk of grooming?

The most important prevention is a trusting relationship with the child. When a child knows that he will be listened to without yelling or judgment, the likelihood that he will seek help in time increases significantly.